


When Memories Haunt You

by XirinOfArvada



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Attempted Suicide, Flashbacks, HELP! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TAG!, Longing, Mentions of Duilin, Mentions of Elenwë, Mentions of Tuor and Idril, Multi, Promises, first-person pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:15:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28027620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XirinOfArvada/pseuds/XirinOfArvada
Summary: The memory of Turgon and the fall of Gondolin haunts Galdor.
Relationships: Duilin of Gondolin/Egalmoth of Gondolin, Elenwë/Turgon of Gondolin, Galdor of the Tree/Turgon of Gondolin
Kudos: 3





	When Memories Haunt You

At night, I lay in bed. I listen; I cannot sleep; I sing. Rising, I follow the same ritual every night. The bells ring at seven, reminding us that it is time for bed. I am not in my home; I am on the wall of the city. I watch from the place I stand and I remind myself of the glory of Gondolin.

I look. I remember. I sing.

The soldiers watch me with pity. They say, “Lord Galdor has gone grey, as grey as those whose eyes have seen the unspeakable torment in Angband.”

Yet, I say, “I have faced the iron of hell. I have lost my sire to the blade of his own making. I have lost my sister to a vial of poison. But I did not falter, I remained.”

Then, I am silent. I speak no more when they ask me why I have not faded. They ask me how I keep alive, when all that remains is me and Egalmoth.

In reply, I say nothing. I simply look to the place where my city used to stand; where the garnet crown of my king shattered in my hands.

I close my eyes and feel the ring on my finger. It is garnet; made from the pieces I was able to retrieve from my king's discarded crown. But I will tell no one; I will only keep this ring as a reminder of my failure to save my king.

The bell rings from the time tower. The bell beckons me to my lonely bed and I do not refuse its summons. Egalmoth and I share glances, but we no longer speak to one another. He is as grey as I; together we wallow in silent understanding. Egalmoth remembers the fire and I do too. He remembers the fall, we remember the bloodshed and the loss of our friends. But he remembers the kiss of flame; he remembers the farewell of a love.

I do not.

I pass by Eärendil courting Elwing-fair. For a moment, I smile and think to myself, “My lord. Would you cry if you saw him right now?” Eärendil is a child no longer. He is grown and I know that my king would have been fond of him.

Idril. I do not know her. Idril and Tuor; I have chosen to disregard completely. I am thankful to them for they saved the lives of many people. Yet, I cannot pledge allegiance to them. King's daughter she might be, but cruel it shall be to my heart to pledge allegiance twice. Occasionally, your daughter comes for tea, my King. We speak of you and we speak of Elenwé. I tell her of your wife and I smile when she laughs. She has your laugh, my lord. But she has her mother's eyes and her skills. Never once have I beaten her in chess, just as I have never beaten Elenwé in the same game.

We speak of the past and we speak of the future. But your daughter is merciful and we do not speak of allegiance.

It is night. It is peaceful in Sirion. But I know in my heart that the peace is destined to pass. Nevertheless, while the peace lingers yet and I tarry in my doom; I return to my home where I dwell with sorrow and regret. Sorrow has wed me. Regret has kissed me. Happiness left me long ago and took my light in her stride.

I look into the mirror and find no light of Valinor. Valar forbid, I am fading into the mist.

I discard my armour and lay in bed as the bell rings again. I sleep. But I cannot. Elenwé's voice rings in my ear, the sweet melody of my queen's song does little to comfort me. 

I rise. I cannot. I listen. I hear. I weep.

Wrapping my arms around myself; I tell myself they are my king's. He embraces me at night and protects me from the cold that my blankets cannot defend against. I pretend that you are here and that the void is figment of my imagination. 

I pretend.

I lie and remain unconvinced.

With a sigh, I rise from my bed and I walk to my window - barefoot and underclothed. The moon is invisible behind the clouds. The stars are shining but they cannot be seen. I guess I am thankful as I find myself facing the unforgiving waves from atop the towering cliff.

Towering. 

What was it like when the fire surrounded you? Did they engulf you like water? Or did the spray of poison prove to be your bane as it corroded your armour and dissolved your flesh? Did your sword fall to the floor? Or did you reject the notion of death by fire and chose to die on your own accord?

Did my foolish king fight valiantly on that tower until his last breath? Or did the tower collapse on wise Turgon before he could defend himself against the flames of certain death?

I do not know. But I find fondness in thinking of such things. Did you think of me when you died? Did you utter my name at all?

Did you remember at all? Did you think that perhaps… you'd survive and I'd wait faithfully no matter how long it took for you to return?

“Galdor, Galdor.”

Or was there no thought in your mind at all but despair? Did you think of me at all? Or was it Elenwé you sought?

“Galdor.”

Or.. did you whisper. “He will return a day, someday, aboard a ship made of wood. And I shall see him in the land of our childhood.”

Pride and love! O, Turgon, my most beloved. Loyal to your city to your very end. If you loved the city less, my lord, then I'd hold your hand in mine and not the shattered garnet of your crown- reduced to a ring on my finger.

I leap. I see Elenwé's face. Soft and gentle, her eyes remain in Valinor's grace. Elenwé, king's wife. My lady! Will you forgive me? Long did I wait for you to haunt me when my heart fell for the king. But the only thing that haunted me was your voice and my promise.

“Protect him.”

Elenwé… I FAILED!

In the cold you perished and in the king's embrace I languished. He thinks of you even when he kisses me. He calls your name even when I embrace him. I think he sees me as you… I think he doesn't love me at all… but who cares? As long as he's glad… I doubt it would matter.

At least I thought it was all that mattered. 

I awaken the next day and I see Egalmoth's face. He hits my head and says, “Fool”

I laugh. “I wish I had said the same thing to Turgon. I wish I had stopped him. But I didn't.”

“Didn’t?’ Egalmoth shook his head. “Your eyes spelled it all out, Galdor the Valiant. But it was our king who refused you and all of us.”

“Still.. I failed.”

“Listen!” He takes my hand and I raise a brow. “You did not fail alone. Now rest, Galdor. Not alone have you lost a lover.”

With those worse, Egalmoth stood up and he left. 

‘Duilin.’ I smile at the thought and I chuckle. How could one forget Egalmoth's friend and love?

I lie down and I listen to his advice. I sleep. But his voice still haunts me, and I'm sure it will continue to do so.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Uh.. thanks for reading this! I really enjoyed writing this and whelp... This is one of my few attempts at writing in first person.


End file.
